When we hear that someone is grieving, we naturally think of death. But, grief isn’t always about death.
Sometimes, it's about the life we thought we'd have, the person we used to be, or the changes we never saw coming.
And yes, that is grief. Perhaps the kind we don’t recognize most easily.
And, sometimes, grief doesn't look like crying.
Sometimes, it looks like exhaustion. Irritability. A lack of motivation. Feeling disconnected from people you love. Or simply waking up one morning and realizing that your life looks nothing like the one you imagined.
And we don't always have a name for that feeling.
Grief isn't always about losing someone
Think about the last time something significant changed in your life.
Perhaps a relationship ended.
Perhaps your children are growing up, and you're struggling with the realization that they don't need you in quite the same way anymore.
Maybe you left a career you once loved. Or received a diagnosis that changed how you see your future.
Maybe you're grieving a friendship that slowly faded, a family relationship that never became what you hoped it would, or a version of yourself you no longer recognize.
We don't always call these experiences grief.
We might say we're having a hard time adjusting. That we're stressed. That we're going through a phase.
But, underneath all of that, there's a loss.
And I think it's important that we acknowledge it.
We can grieve something even when we know the change was necessary.
We can miss a relationship that wasn't healthy for us. We can feel sadness about leaving a job that was making us miserable. We can be grateful for a new beginning and still mourn what we've left behind.
Two things can be true at the same time.
The different faces of grief
Through my studies in counselling and end-of-life care, I've been learning more about the different ways grief is understood.
And what continues to stand out to me is how personal the experience really is.
There isn't one right way to grieve. There isn't a universal timeline. And there certainly isn't a checklist that everyone needs to complete before they can say they've healed.
Here are a few forms of grief that we don't always talk about.
1. Anticipatory grief: grieving before the loss
Have you ever started grieving something before it actually happened?
Perhaps someone you love is living with a serious illness. Maybe you're watching a parent age, knowing that your relationship and responsibilities are changing.
Or perhaps you're facing a major life transition, and you already feel the sadness of what you're about to leave behind.
This is often called anticipatory grief.
It's the experience of grieving an expected or possible loss before it occurs.
What makes this especially complicated is that we can feel guilty for grieving while the person or situation is still part of our lives.
We might tell ourselves, "I should be grateful for the time I still have."
And of course, gratitude can be present.
But so can fear. Sadness. Anger. Helplessness.
One doesn't cancel out the other.
2. Disenfranchised grief: the grief others don't recognize
This is one I wish we spoke about more often.
Disenfranchised grief happens when a loss isn't fully recognized, acknowledged, or supported by the people around us.
It might be the loss of a relationship that others didn't know about. A miscarriage. The death of a pet. An estranged family member. Or the end of a friendship that meant the world to you.
Sometimes, people unintentionally minimize these losses.
"You weren't together that long."
"At least you can try again."
"It was just a pet."
"Maybe it's for the best."
I think most people say these things because they don't know what else to say. They want to make us feel better.
But grief doesn't become less significant simply because someone else doesn't understand the relationship or the loss.
The meaning of a loss belongs to the person experiencing it.
And sometimes, what we need most isn't advice or reassurance.
It's simply someone willing to acknowledge that what we've lost mattered.
3. Ambiguous loss: when there's no clear ending
Some losses don't come with closure.
A loved one may still be physically present but changed by dementia or illness. A family member may be alive but emotionally unavailable or estranged.
Sometimes, we lose contact with someone without ever understanding why.
The person is still there, in some sense, but the relationship we knew has changed or disappeared.
This is often described as ambiguous loss.
And I find this particularly important because so much of how we understand grief is built around the idea of a clear beginning and ending.
But what happens when there isn't one?
How do we grieve something we can't fully explain?
How do we move forward when part of us is still waiting for an answer, an apology, or a different outcome?
There may not be an easy resolution.
And perhaps the work isn't always about finding closure, but learning how to live with uncertainty.
4. Grieving the person you used to be
This is another form of loss that deserves more attention.
Life changes us.
Sometimes through experiences we choose. Sometimes through circumstances we never asked for.
A health diagnosis, divorce, becoming a parent, caregiving responsibilities, burnout, or a major life transition can change how we see ourselves.
We might miss the person who had more energy. More freedom. More confidence. More certainty about the future.
We might find ourselves comparing who we are today with who we used to be.
And while personal growth is often celebrated, we don't always make room for the sadness that can accompany change.
You can be proud of the person you're becoming and still miss parts of who you were.
That doesn't mean you're moving backward.
It means something mattered to you.
How grief shows up in everyday life
One of the things I find most interesting about grief is that it doesn't always announce itself.
It can quietly become part of our everyday experiences.
You might notice:
Irritability: Small things bother you more than usual, and you're not entirely sure why.
Exhaustion: You feel tired even when you've had enough sleep.
Difficulty concentrating: You forget things, lose your train of thought, or struggle to make simple decisions.
Withdrawal: You want connection but don't necessarily have the energy to engage.
Guilt: You question what you could have done differently or whether you're grieving the "right" way.
Unexpected emotional moments: A song, a smell, a photograph, or an ordinary conversation brings up feelings you weren't expecting.
Feeling disconnected: You're going through the motions of everyday life, but something feels different.
These experiences can accompany grief, although they can also have other emotional or medical causes. Persistent or concerning symptoms deserve appropriate professional attention.
And then there are the moments when grief and joy show up together.
You might laugh with friends and suddenly feel guilty for enjoying yourself.
You might have a wonderful day and still feel an ache when you return home.
You might feel ready to move forward one moment and completely overwhelmed the next.
None of these experiences automatically means you're doing something wrong.
Grief isn't a straight line.
Do we ever really get over grief?
I'm not sure that getting over it is the most helpful way to think about grief.
And this is something I've been reflecting on through my End-of-Life Doula studies.
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross helped bring important conversations about death and grief into public awareness. Her well-known stages of grief have influenced how many of us understand loss.
But those stages aren't a fixed sequence that everyone moves through.
I've also been drawn to psychologist William Worden's Tasks of Mourning, which explore how we can gradually adapt to a loss, process its emotional impact, adjust to a changed world, and find ways to maintain meaningful connections while continuing to live.
What resonates with me is the idea that grief isn't necessarily something we finish.
It's something we learn to carry differently.
There may be days when it feels lighter. Other days when it feels as though nothing has changed.
And over time, we may begin to make room for new experiences, relationships, and meaning without needing to erase what we've lost.
Moving forward doesn't have to mean leaving someone, or something, behind.
What can we do when we recognize grief in our lives?
I don't believe every difficult emotion needs to be immediately fixed.
Sometimes, we need to begin by understanding what we're experiencing.
If any part of this article resonates with you, perhaps start by asking yourself a few questions:
What have I lost that I haven't fully acknowledged?
Am I giving myself permission to feel sad about a change, even if it was the right decision?
What do I miss about the life I had, or the life I thought I would have?
What kind of support would feel helpful to me right now?
You don't have to answer all of these questions today.
And you don't have to turn your grief into a lesson, a breakthrough, or a story of personal growth.
Sometimes, acknowledging the loss is enough for the moment.
You don't have to navigate grief alone
So much grief is woven into the human experience.
It touches our relationships, our identities, our hopes, and the stories we tell ourselves about our lives.
And I believe we need more spaces where people can talk about these experiences without feeling rushed to move on.
This November, as part of my End-of-Life Doula certification journey, I'm offering five complimentary grief coaching sessions to a limited number of individuals.
These sessions are intended to provide a supportive space for reflection, adjustment, and navigating grief-related life changes. Grief coaching is distinct from counselling or psychotherapy, and we'll begin with a conversation to determine whether it's the right fit.
Applications close November 10, 2026.
If you'd like to learn more, you're welcome to reach out through my website or send me a message.
Because grief doesn't always need to be solved.
Sometimes, it needs to be seen, heard, and given space.
warmly,
kanwal